DEAR NEIGHBOR: DON’T MESS WITH MY VODKA

Dear Neighbor,

The next time I go out of town, can you dog sit for me?  Doctor Mary Jane offered to watch Lola while I went home to Indiana for a brief visit. I graciously accepted her offer and quickly booked a flight home.

I should’ve known better.

Just before my trip, Dr. Mary Jane announced that she wanted to drive to Florida and wanted to know if I could find someone else to watch Lola. Even though this was a major inconvenience, I tried my best to find another dog sitter, to no avail.

“I’m really sorry,” I said to her. “I’ve asked everyone I know and no one can do it on such short notice.”

“Fine,” she said, not even trying to hide her disappointment. “I guess I’ll have to honor my original commitment.”

I nodded and offered a sympathetic smile, but in my mind, a slow rage was building. Dr. Mary Jane’s unapologetic selfishness was angering. I tried to calm down by imagining a giant platter of chocolate cupcakes being offered by a beautiful, shirtless man. I was enjoying this little fantasy when Dr. Mary Jane popped off with this gem: “Well, where’s my thank-you?”

This infuriated me. I had already expressed gratitude several times but now Dr. Mary Jane was asking to be thanked for an act she had yet to complete and was trying to get out of? I shot her a cold stare. “I believe I have thanked you several times already.”

“Okay, fine,” she tersely said before walking away.

The morning I left, I gave a fistful of twenty-dollar bills to Dr. Mary Jane and thanked her yet again for watching Lola during the three days that I would be in Indiana. She took the wad of cash and began to count it. “Lets see how much my love for your dog is worth to you.” After commiserating over our broken hearts, I thought Dr. Mary Jane and I were developing some semblance of a friendship but this exchange proved me wrong.

While I was Indiana, Dr. Mary Jane called. “Everything’s fine, I just wanted to tell you a funny Lola story,” she said. I could hear her take a drag from a joint and then she coughed while laughing. “I lost Lola for a minute and left her in the elevator!” She laughed some more.

“What?! Is she alright? What happened?”

“She’s fine- I took her outside and coming back up, the elevator was crowded. I got to gabbing and got off the elevator but completely forgot Lola! I didn’t realize it until I got back to the apartment. By the time the elevator came back to our floor, Lola was on there all by herself. Isn’t that hysterical?!” More laughter.

I was not laughing. At all. I had previously asked Dr. Mary Jane to never walk Lola without a leash. As usual, she completely disregarded my request. I was at my wit’s end.

And when I returned to New York, things got worse.

While I was gone, Dr. Mary Jane drank my Grey Goose without asking. “Well, I was watching your dog, afterall,” she exclaimed when I confronted her. To retaliate, I built a mini-bar in my underwear drawer and kept my booze in my room. No one messes with my vodka.

It was then that I realized that Dr. Mary Jane has no idea just how rude and thoughtless she really is. All favors come with stipulations and she always expects something in return. She’s always keeping score. Dr. Mary Jane lives in a tit-for-tat world and because I hate taking the tat, I’m no longer giving the tit.

Fed Up,

Totally Tyler

To read about the time Lola went blind, click here.