WHAT IT FEELS LIKE FOR A GIRL

There was a heat wave this week in city.

Kids played in open fire hydrants, yuppies gulped down iced coffees and everywhere you looked, New Yorkers bared skin, skin and more skin.

Everyone but me, that is. You see, despite the soaring temperatures, Boss Lady has implemented a dress code in the office: men must wear business suits, even when it’s hot outside. I’m the only male in the office, which by the way is small and overcrowded with nervous, sweaty interns and humming hard drives. Our only relief is a tiny window air conditioner.

So, I sat at my desk, sweating in my Armani suit while my female office mates wore sandals, short skirts, and sleeveless, linen tops.

I’ve never wanted to be a woman more in my entire life.

When it comes to business wear in the summertime, women can get by with murder. And don’t even get me started on how jealous I am that women’s clothing gets all the sequins, baubles and glittery bedazzlements while menswear is lucky to see a pastel. It’s just not fair.

I dressed as a woman once, for Halloween.

For my drag debut, I wore a slinky, tight dress, impossibly high five-inch heels and a slutty, blond wig. My lesbian friend dressed as my pimp. I pranced around and batted my fake eyelashes while eating Halloween candy that I openly fished out of my cleavage. That’s about as close to being a girl I’ve ever gotten.

Many, many years ago, I encouraged all of my female friends to be hussies. I lived vicariously through their stories about sex with straight boys. I went shopping with them and helped them pick out low cut tops and fishnet stockings. “If I was a girl, I’d have every hole filled, every weekend,” I said as I tossed crotchless panties into their pile of intended purchases. I imagine that’s how I’d behave if I were actually a woman.

Sometimes, when I see a really hot straight man, I think, Dammit, if I were a girl… But then I think about tampons and under wires and yeast infections. I think about menstrual cramps and lip waxing and lactating nipples. I think about these things and realize I’m too much of a whiny crybaby to ever make it as a girl. To deal with all of that and then have to squeeze a watermelon-sized baby out of my grape-size vagina?

Women are bad asses, y’all.

Read other sexy gender-bending blogs from other Insomnia Club members:

Girls Like it Too by Jess Downey
What it Feels Like for a Girl by Totally Tyler
For The Love of Boobs & Lesbians by Met Another Frog
Taboo by Women Are From Mars
Sick of the Misogyny by Feisty Woman
Why it Might be Nice to Have a Penis by My Pixie Blog
The Insomnia Club Strikes Again by Simone Grant
Gender Bender: My Day as a Woman by F*cking in Brooklyn