There’s a handsome guy in my neighborhood and whenever we see each other we make flirty goo-goo eyes at each other. It doesn’t matter where — the corner bodega, the gym, the park, and, this morning, on the subway platform. As we waited for the B train, he winked and slurped on his iced coffee and I did that thing where I shyly nuzzle my face into my scarf and raise one eyebrow and it made him smile. The train pulled in and, as usual, it was already packed with nine-to-fivers suffering the crowded commute to their jobs. The doors chimed open and everyone on the platform pressed and smashed their way onto the teeming train. Like wading through a giant jam-packed pool full of jello, I chugged through and elbowed my way to a small spot. I contorted my arm like a pretzel and was able to sandwich my hand through a tiny opening between two gabbing backpacked gals to grasp a pole with just two fingers. As the train careened down the tunnel, I surveyed the passengers to look for my neighborhood crush and when I saw him I became instantly infuriated. There he was, leaning his entire fine ass body against a pole, rendering it completely useless to the helpless folks tightly squeezed around him who were struggling to maintain their balance as the train rocked from side to side. In one hand he clutched his suddenly pretentious-seeming iced coffee and, with his other hand, he gingerly scrolled through his phone with a carefree smirk on his face.
And just like that, I completely lost all interest in my neighborhood crush.
You may say that I’m being too picky but I say I’m just being selective. I can’t date a guy who possesses such a blatant lack of self-awareness. It’s selfish to lay up on a subway pole while everyone around you does the Stanky Leg Dance just to keep standing. He probably also leaves shitty tips for waiters, reads his phone when he walks, and hogs the covers in the bed. Additionally, I can’t date guys who don’t return text messages or use the right ‘there,’ ‘they’re’ or ‘their.’ I also can’t get down with dudes who don’t like tan lines, foreplay or mozzarella sticks. Or guys who think Britney Spears is the greatest thing ever.