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Sometimes, I get so tired of crowded subways, overpriced martinis, and guy’s who look nothing like their Scruff photos. I get so annoyed with things like pants, bossy think pieces, and people who fake gluten allergies. It’s enough to make me want to leave New York and move into a cozy log cabin nestled in a tree-covered mountainside in Washington state. (I picked Washington because it’s a blue state and close to Canada.) Anyway, I have fantasies about becoming a mountain man. I’ll be all ‘naturey’ and chop wood and fish and take baths in a crystal clear creek. I’ll teach myself to play guitar and make my own toothpaste. I’ll gain a cute, furry belly from eating all the animals I’ll have to kill for food because Amazon’s Prime Now won’t deliver to my mountain. Also, I’ll let my beard grow really bushy and long and I’ll wear nothing but tight flannel shirts and those old school long john’s with the easy access butt flap.