I had a torrid, passionate affair with a handsome Frito Lay delivery man in the bodega this morning, only he doesn’t know it. We first exchanged glances as I was on line — I had just ordered from the deli counter (a pretentious turkey bacon and egg white sandwich on a lightly toasted whole wheat roll) and my new lover had just made a Dorito’s delivery. As he patiently waited for the clerk to sign his invoice, he smirked with a dazzling sparkle in his corn chip-colored eyes and my stomach growled. He flexed his bulging biceps, his luscious skin the color of a golden kettle-cooked potato chip. Then, he deeply inhaled and, for a moment, I thought his muscled chest was going to burst through his uniform shirt in a deliciously sticky Chex Mix cascade of hard, robust pecs and perky, round nipples. And my mischievous mind didn’t stop there. No, no. My naughty noggin continued to dive deeper into my dirty daydream, thinking of all the lusty late night Funyuns we’d have! I imagined our legs intertwined together like Rold Gold Pretzels. I thought about putting my eager mouth on his happy trail mix and I fantasized about nibbling on his 2.75 ounce bag of lightly salted deluxe mixed nuts. Issa snack, y’all! I snickered and my Yummy Snack Daddy looked right at me. I shyly looked away to hide my embarrassed face just as it turned redder than a Flamin’ Hot Cheeto. When I glanced in his direction again, he was speaking to the clerk while he scratched his thick, black beard, and his gorgeous, pearly whites seemed to glimmer and glow with the reflection of the morning sun. I was in love! He adjusted the fitted OBEY hat on his big ole’ gorgeous bald head and I sucked in my gut as hard as I could, trying to to look skinnier than a Sun Chip. My big, thirsty eyes greedily gulped him up, absorbing every detail of his broad shoulders and bitable earlobes and cool sneakers and large Cool Ranch hands and tight shorts and lickable neck and meaty elbows and thick thighs and the hair on his bulbous calves and the intricate tattoo sleeve that peeked out of his tight uniform shirt. I imagined his rippled abs plunging down his torso like crispy, wavy potato chips. I wanted that man to Frito Lay me down and make me be the creamy dip for his chip! The clerk took the invoice from my Yummy Snack Daddy and before turning to leave, he nodded a farewell salute in my direction by touching the brim of his hat and then he winked at lil’ ole me! And just like that, the string of bells hanging on the bodega door clattered and chimed and my Yummy Snack Daddy was lost in the swarming sea of sidewalk strollers. A couple of minutes later the clerk slapped a warm foil-wrapped sandwich into my impatient hand and I charged out the door but it was too late. The large Frito Lay truck loudly rumbled by me and quickly disappeared down the avenue.
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